Friday, May 8, 2009

An open letter to the person who stole our car...

We hope that you are enjoying our Ford, Escort. It has, as I am sure you are aware by now because you've been driving it for approximately 21 hours, a few quirks.

One: the alignment is off and pulls slightly to the right, which means you ought to keep both hands on the wheel because getting pulled over for swerving may be problematic for someone in your line of work.

Two: the brakes are beginning to act up--they shutter slightly when you come to a stop--so be careful and give yourself plenty of stopping distance.

Oh yes, braking--that brings me to number Three: The right rear brake light is out. My advice: keep an eye on your rear-view mirror. If you see cop behind you, it might be a good idea to avoid using your brakes, because most cops will pull you over if you've got a taillight out, and as I've already said, you want to avoid getting pulled over.

A note about replacing the bulb: I've replaced it three or four times in the past year. I think I keep getting finger prints on the halogen bulb, which is bad for the bulbs.

Four: The "check engine" light is on, and has been for about six months. We're not sure what's wrong, but since the current engine is this car's fourth (no joke, we've actually had the engine replaced three times), I'd definitely put my money on something going wrong with it in the near future--like it might just stop working in the middle of a heist, which would be embarrassing for you and your get-away-driver, sitting their in the parking lot of a bank with pantyhose pulled over your head and no way to speed off with your loot.

Five: You're driving a 1999 Ford Escort. You do realize that don't you? A 1999 Ford E-S-C-O-R-T.

Six: There are two child-safety seats strapped in the back. They belong to our five-year-old and our two-year-old. I'm sure your friends will be impressed by the sweet car you jacked, especially when they see the car seats. That said, if you decide to ditch the seats on the side of the road, you will be glad to know that I just vacuumed out the car so you shouldn't have to worry about the six-months worth of smashed raisins and ground graham crackers that had been under those seats up until just a few days ago.

Seven: In the back of the car are two folding camp chairs. We were planning on sitting on them at our son's soccer game next Tuesday night, but seeing as how you'll have them, I hope you find a good place to use them. Perhaps you could sit in them while you admire the large crack on the right side of the car's rear bumper. If you look closely you'll see that the bumper is just barely hanging on back there. My wife was in an accident a year ago and we hadn't gotten around to fixing the damage.

Eight: In the glove box are some McDonald's coupons that we'd been saving to give to cardboard-sign toting pan-handlers. Enjoy. I believe the Fillet-O-Fish is on sale right now. And I do recommend the hot apple pie.

Nine: I'm curious if you think the car smells funny. Sometimes on hot afternoons, when it has been sitting in the sun for a long time, I climb in and can't help but think the interior smells a little like over-ripe bananas at the bottom of a backyard compost bin full of dirty diapers. But its been cold and rainy lately, so it may take a few days for you to notice that.

Ten: I've been trying to imagine how this must have all gone down. Had you been staking out our place for a while? I can't imagine our Escort would have been worth that kind of trouble. Perhaps you were just checking door handles in the parking lot looking for wallets and purses, CD cases, backpacks, golf clubs, tennis rackets, --anything you could sell. What a rush it must have been to pull the handle on our car and not only find the door open, but a spare set of keys just sitting there on the console. You probably couldn't help yourself--like a kid in a candy shop. Was your heart pounding? Did you slip the car into neutral and let it roll backwards in the darkness to keep things quiet? Did you start the engine but keep the lights off until you made it around the corner? Where you alone? scared? Drunk? I wonder if you've had a moment's rest since you drove away? I think I'd be a nervous wreck.

Eleven: I was just looking online at the Ohio Civic Code--it turns out that the minimum sentence for grand theft auto (a class four felony) is six months in prison. If you get pulled over you could also get charged with unauthorized use of a vehicle, which is a misdemeanor if you stay in the state and a class four felony if you leave it, and since you'll probably lie to the officer who pulls you over, you could get charged with making a false report to an officer, also a misdemeanor.

Twelve: Good news for you is this: I just filled the gas tank. My wife changed the oil on Tuesday. New wiper blades a few weeks ago. The tires are new as of October. The car itself gets pretty good gas mileage and has been across the country and all over Ohio in the past eighteen months, so if you feel like running, and you can lay low long enough, you just might avoid any trouble.

Thirteen: Just do us a favor, when you're done with it, don't leave it in a ditch out in the country somewhere, because we've got to drive to Texas in July and we'd like to make that trip in our own car.

5 comments:

Ma Fitz said...

Do you think she has internet access there in the jail? If so, I'm sure she's read the special letter just to her!

Shiloh said...

I'm so sorry about your car! What a pain!

Tyler & Cassidy said...

This was an extemely kind and thoughtful letter. Good for you. ...and freakin' hilarious!

Jesse said...

I'm so glad you got it back! Were your coupons still in tow?

Angie said...

Awesome post!