Have you driven a Ford lately?

Have you driven one that has had three engines fail?
That has been in two accidents?
That has been stolen once?
That has driven From Utah to Ohio, and From Ohio to Texas?
That is currently leaking oil like this:



NO? You haven't?
Would you like to?

Since the QB is pregnant, and since the two car seats and four or five hundred pounds of stale cheerios, squished raisins, cracker crumbs, taco bell wrappers, tissues, library books, hot wheels, and spent diapers already in the back seat of the car will make it difficult to fit a third child seat back there, we've decided that we are eventually going to have to find a new car.

But that hasn't stopped us from throwing money into this one like so much lettuce into a Salad-shooter. We paid $170 to the great state of Texas to register the car, which included something like $80 for "Sales tax," even though we bought the car in Utah five years ago. And just last week I took it to the shop to fix the above-mentioned leak, expecting to pay $260 for a new oil pan gasket, and ended up paying for a new valve cover gasket as well, for a grand total of $372.92 And the engine still leaks--from a different spot mind you--but it STILL LEAKS.

After spending all day with the car and replacing two gaskets (which, in the exquisitely designed Ford Escort requires the engine to be lifted entirely out of the car), the mechanic called me up an informed me that while neither gasket was leaking anymore, a new leak had sprung somewhere else, and that he'd never seen anything like it, and that there must be something wrong with the pressure in engine, and that the oil pump must be bad, and that for another $375 (because, well, he'd have to take the engine all apart again) he would be happy to replace the oil pump for us.

After I got done beating my head against the filing cabinet in my office (really), I told him that I would live with the leak and hung up the phone.

So, we're leaking oil at a rate that the Oregonian in me is embarrassed to admit, and we are in the market for a new car. Which means we've got to get rid of this one, somehow.

This is the ad I was thinking of running.

For Sale: 1999 Ford Escort Wgn. Runs great. Low miles on current engine. Experimental lubrication system. Unique interior extras. One of a kind body and frame. Test-driven by industry experts. Interested? Make me an offer?

Or, maybe I could just do this: